november 12

When I think about you, this moment is what is most clear. Our bodies were so close I could feel your heartbeat and your hot breath was against my neck and I should’ve been in complete bliss but all I could think about is how I knew that this wouldn’t last.  That no matter how many times we promised we’d love each other forever, we were just too young. That we found each other at the wrong time but we had the right love, and that sometimes life just throws these terrible things at you and you have to appreciate what you have while you have it. I remember trying to rephrase my thoughts a thousand times, the same way I sit here right now rephrasing this poem. And so we sat there, just holding each other, promising a forever that we knew would never happen.

The amount of times I have been in your bed could never compare to how close I felt to you in this moment. I truly believe that I will never feel this way with someone else ever again, and as much as that scares me, it is comforting. Because I mean it with every part of me when I say that I hope I never fall for someone that hard again.

For a long time I tried to hold onto this moment. But the magic we shared that night turned into words that you "didn’t mean” as you screamed them with every ounce of fire in your body.  I was already burned by the time that I realized apologies must not always be accompanied with forgiveness.  

I knew that our forever had expired when the same words that I once whispered into your chest were now whispered into the voicemail of your phone.

I know that we are different people now, and when I say this you won’t understand; but you will always be my muse.

november 16

Lately, I’ve had a weird obsession with going through my old things. I can’t seem to bare parting with anything I own- hence the old sheets underneath my bed and the notebooks sitting in the back of my closet from middle school full of crushes and song lyrics and math notes. Coupons and love letters that expired months ago hang on the bulletin board behind my bedroom door and pictures of people that I don’t even associate with anymore hang on the walls. 

There are days that I can’t wait to start my future and the next day I wish I could grab the hands of the clock and hold them in place until Im ready to let go. I’m still trying to figure out how it’s possible to feel both of these emotions at the same time. I try to avoid thinking about these things but the reality of it is one day, the boy I thought I loved for two years won’t be a twenty minute drive from my house if I decide I love him again and the girl that I grew up with won’t live across the street from me anymore. My sister won’t sleep in the room next to mine and there will be one pair of shoes at the door when I get home instead of four.  

It is so strange that everything that once was so familiar will soon be so distant. 

I don’t have forever anymore. Days go by and they will turn into months, and before I know it winter will turn into spring and I will pack up my notebooks and sheets and old books. I will move into a small room that has been home for hundreds of teenagers before me, feeling the same exact way, and that comforts me and scares me at the same time.

It is a bittersweet feeling to end your life but begin a new one.

Your whole life, people tell you to appreciate the little things because it flies by. I remember being a freshman and rolling my eyes at my parents and grandparents as they reminisced on their high school days. It is so cliche of me to agree, but as I sit here staring at the box of things my mother kept from my childhood and realize that it is almost full, I realize they were right.