August

when i was sixteen i met a boy i thought i could love. he took me to a park at 1 AM to sit on the swings and told me that when his mother was diagnosed with epilepsy and couldn't drive, his father went back to school to become a truck driver so he could take her with him everyday. months and months later, he graduated from school and she decided she didn’t want to do it anymore, and that was it. i felt my heart in my throat. you can do everything for someone and they could just change their mind and that terrifies me beyond belief.

2 weeks later he changed his mind about me. 

january 3- something i found in my drafts

when it is quiet and dark and there is nothing to break the stillness because our breathing is synchronized, right now when the silence is peace and bliss, right now when i lay with my head on your chest and all i can think about is how i ever wondered how i would ever fit anywhere else so perfectly, when my fingernails trace patterns and stories of forever into the small of your back, and your hands study my body as if it is your goal to remember every single curve i have. all i can think about is how i’m trying to take in every part of this moment, but i’m stuck because like everything else in this world, this will end. 

tomorrow morning we will wake up in your cold bedroom and you will remember the million reasons why we would never work out together and you’ll regret letting me leave those marks on your collarbones. 

during times like these, 

when you want to tell me that you love me, 

don’t. 

because i know how easy it is to mean it right now. 

you might love these moments and the way that i make you feel and the feeling of closeness when you’re with me,

but you do not love me.

december 25- unfinished rant

it is christmas day and a thousand things are going through my head but the most mind-blowing thing is that it is my last christmas at home with normality. next year, i will come home from whatever college i decide and try to feel at home again in a room that will probably feel too big for me even though i’ve slept in in for 17 years. i try not to think about it but it terrifies me that this is going to happen so soon. i’m not ready to move out and be on my own, especially around the holidays. it scares me to think how different things could be next year. that the people i have in my life this year might not be here next year, or even tomorrow. it’s so scary to think how fast life can take things away from us with no warning or reason.