Random venting-March 20

I think we are all afraid. And so we dance around the subject of commitment by using terms like “just talking” or “no strings attached” then wonder if when we leave, they’re texting someone else. 

Prompt: write, without stopping or backspacing, stop thinking about what other people would think and just write. 

For me you opened my mind but I think to you it was just opening my legs. When I said I wanted to taste you I would kiss your lips, but when you said it you unzipped my pants. You say you didn’t want just sex but when I asked what we were you danced around the question. You would say that we aren’t serious but when we’re around my friends and family they all say there’s no way a guy can look at you like that and feel nothing. I wonder if I cross your mind, because you’re on mine all the time. The smallest things remind me of you. You’ve got my head spinning all day long and every time my phone goes off I hope that it’s you, but it’s never you, and I wonder if playing hard to get is what I have to do but then I also wonder if that’s even worth it. I’m stuck between pretending I don’t want you to maybe get you to want me, but also saying fuck that, it’s not worth it, I need to be blatantly honest and fight for what I want. Yet again I am reminded that this isn’t a fucking fairy tale- you’re just the boy I met at work and life isn’t really guaranteed a happy ending. If I chase you I might push you in the other direction. I think of all the boys that chase me and I find irony in the situation, that you push me away because you don’t want to settle down and I push other people away because I want to settle with you. And there’s all these things I want to say to you. But I’ll keep my mouth shut, because that’s what’s best for me right now, and for us, if there ever will be an us. 

I feel like I’m constantly reminded of you. I hope you think of me when you’re driving in your car and see the dandelion I left in your upholder, and I hope when you see my favorite book laying on your bedroom floor you wonder about me. I hate that you were so different. You say we’re just friends but I’ve never had a friend care about me like this. And the worst part of this all is that I can’t even be mad at you, because you are honest and kind and just a genuinely good person- which is why I fell for you to begin with. It would be so much easier if you could just tell me to fuck off and leave you alone so I could have something to be angry about, but you are just so nice- and I’m laughing at myself as I write this because the only word I can even think to describe you is “nice”, when I could look through the dictionary all day and relate every single good adjective to your name. 

 I never liked the taste of cigarettes until they reminded me of you.